Happy Wednesday, everybody. So I.C.Y.M.I. That's short for in case you missed it. Does that help? Okay, screw everybody. President Biden threw an inflation reduction party yesterday. But maybe you had something more pleasant to do, like jamming a hedge trimmer into your rectum. Don't judge.
He held it on the White House lawn because he couldn't remember where the front door was, and this way he wouldn't pee on the rugs. Plus, that lawn could always use some extra fertilizer. Now he threw this party even as inflation hit 8.3%. His staff wanted to cancel, but Jill had already told Joe there would be balloons, clouds and a pony. But it felt like they were throwing a surprise birthday party for a corpse, then watching that corpse drone on for 25-minutes.
It's funny, at most memorials, you never wonder, "when's this stuff going to shut up?" And really, is the economy something Joe should be celebrating? It's like the Washington Generals throwing a parade after a season of playing the Harlem Globetrotters. Hurray, we went zero and eighty-two. It's like Alec Baldwin giving himself an A in marksmanship. What, something happened? It's like Brian Kilmeade throwing himself a book party. And it always sucks when reality rains on your fantasy.
As Biden boasted of his phony accomplishment, the stock market sank faster than Joe's nose in a nearby pony tail. The Dow plunged 1200 points. That's one of the largest drops since Joy Behar tried to sit in a beanbag chair. Food prices continue to climb, housing is drying up and yet Joe continues to gaslight us like we're a frat boys fart. You know, we used to like those. Anyway, his first mistake, inviting a newcomer to today's music scene, James Taylor, to open the festivities. Here's a clip.
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Oh, stop it, it wasn't that bad. Let's try again.
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Oh, he's really aged and not in a good way. Like a bag of cabbage buried in the backyard. So old Joe asked Taylor to lead off with a song called "The Fire and Rain," which is also how Hunter describes the feeling when he pees. That's it. That's the joke of the night. It's apparently, though, about suicide and heroin addiction, which makes sense, suicide and addiction are two things that have done well under Joe. But maybe the message is, "yes, times are tough under Biden, but it could be worse." You can be forced to listen to that song forever. That'll make you reach for the pills or throw yourself on the sharp end of Joe's catheter.
But I don't blame the White House for grabbing Taylor. Joe originally asked for Sinatra, and before that, Glenn Miller. Sadly, everyone Joe's heard of has died or was killed by Hillary. But shouldn't you think? Shouldn't you think about what you think about at the time?
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Think about what you'd think about at the time. Think about how you'd feel if you didn't have the insurance and didn't have the money. It's wrong. It's not who we are, and we're going to fix that, too.
Joe, do us a favor. Please stop fixing things. It's not your forte. I mean, you're less helpful than a homeless dude trying to squeegee your windshield with a bottle of urine. Shout out to Jimmy Failla, but at least the soul of America is vibrant.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: The soul of America is vibrant. The future of America is bright and the promise of America is real. It is real. It is real.
Yes. Be suspicious when a politician references your soul. Bad leaders rely on abstract concepts when they can't point to concrete successes. Leave my soul out of it. What about gas prices, the war, crime? But I guess making progress in every country is big and complicated as ours is difficult.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Making progress in every country as big and complicated as ours is difficult. It is not easy, and it never has been.
So that's your excuse. It's hard. Well, I hate to tell you, sport, it's your job and everyone before you has done a better job. I wonder if that's an applause line.
NANCY PELOSI: I, that's an applause line.
RUBIO RIFFS ON BIDEN'S INFLATION CELEBRATION: 'I'M EMBARRASSED FOR JAMES TAYLOR'
It's so cute when the brain locks horns with the botox. But talk about bad timing, a victory lap on inflation as the inflation numbers come out. Feels like Joe is leading the band playing on the Titanic, just like he did back in 1912. He performs like a demented birthday clown, as staffers are forced to pretend that they're there by choice. Of course, the White House touts declining gas prices, which is what happens when people stop buying gas because it's too high and you're responsible for them going up in the first place. He's like the guy who sets his neighbor's house on fire and then wants to be called a hero because he rescued their cat. Talk about gaslighting.
Gas prices go up when you buy it and gas prices drop when you don't. I call it a catch 22, which is also the projected number of times Joe will get COVID by January. Food is up 13.5%, electricity up 15.8% and rents up 7%, health insurance a whopping 24%. But ask KJP, I wonder if she'll say prices have been essentially flat in our country these last two years, months.
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: Prices have been essentially flat in our country these last two months.
Mhm. Yeah, much like a scan of your brain. I'd call her a puppet but I don't want to get a hate mail from Miss Piggy. The fact is, we knew inflation was coming after all the government spending, but what we didn't expect was them saying more government spending would solve the problems caused by government spending. And now Biden's student loan cancelation, that's going to cost us another half-trillion.
So while families are draining their savings on life's basic needs, Joe is bailing out gender studies grads reneging on loans that they agreed to pay. He's rewarding the least deserving by punishing those who paid their debts. That's only going to cause prices to soar. But Joe doesn't care. He threw himself a party. And Joe will take any excuse to cut cake or the cheese. So obvious, I wonder what Joe has to say.
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